Archive for April 2009

Time and Place-II

April 30, 2009

time-and-place-2There’s always a time and place for music.  But work doesn’t always mix well with angry Rock when you’re in a shitty mood or boastful Hip-Hop after you get a bonus. If you turn that shit up and blast it through your headphones every once in a while, it can work miracles for your mood.  However, in an age where everybody wants every one of their gadgets integrated with one another, one can never be too careful.

You may be asking yourself ‘why’, and that, my friend, is a sign of stupidity.  If your coworkers are smartasses like mine, they like to do shit like tap you on the shoulder and walk away or pull out your headphone jack to get your attention while you’re raging to Marilyn Manson or getting fight-ready with Lil’ Jon.  So, what do you think your button-down, conservative boss is gonna say when he hears the ever-eloquent Mr. Jon:

Only bitches’ talk shit (What)
Only bitches’ talk shit (What)
Only bitches talk shit that’s why we bustin’ your shit

He’ll probably have security toss your ass in the street like a pimp in a hurry.  So, don’t be a dumbass.  Stop listening to music on your phone or computer and get an mp3 player.  It might just save your livelihood.  It’s either that or listen to something safe like Barbara Streisand or Hall & Oates, and that shit would suck like a supercharged Dyson.



April 30, 2009

kid-lashQuestion for you people: Why is it illegal to shake a baby, yet it is legal to leash your kids and pull them like a disobedient Labrador around the mall?  This is a trend that has got to stop.  Kids on leashes are not a fashion statement or a good way to build your case for not being a total dick. I guess it is easier to jerk your kid around like joystick instead of raising them to respect boundaries or pay attention to their proximity to you.  Someone should sue your sorry ass on behalf of that kid you’ve been pulling around like a roller bag in an airport.  But since we know that won’t happen, just try not to act surprised when your kids back is all jacked up during the scoliosis exam at school.

All in Mine

April 27, 2009

all-in-mineLet’s pretend it’s Kindergarten all over again.  Keep your eyes on your own desk.  If you walk by my desk, I’d much rather catch you looking at my ass than my computer monitor.  Just pretend from now on I’m looking at the most repulsive thing possible; take your pick from animal porn, 2 girls/1 cup, or Rush Limbaugh in a whip cream bikini.  My computer monitor is the equivalent of your purse, ladies, please don’t look unless you have permission, or I might just pepper spray your ass till the can is empty.  Gents, let’s play like we’re in the locker room, and my computer monitor is my envy-inspiring manhood and you don’t want someone to catch you taking a sneak peek.  Thank you for your time.  That is all.

Tip These…!

April 27, 2009

Hey bartender!  Get your eyes off those underage D-cups and get your ass over here!  I’d like a drink before prohibition is revamped.  Bartenders are definitely in that category of lazy asshole with easy job.  I don’t want to generalize, but my hand has been forced by years of shitty service.  Every time I go to a bar, I’m tempted to pull a Seth Rogen (scene in ‘Knocked Up’ when he gets his own beer) because some putz in skinny jeans is moving slower than a snail on downers.
What does your entire job consist of?  Get glass, get ice, mix liquid, collect money, give drink.  Most of you don’t even have to restock the bar.  You have a team of jerks too inept to mix the drinks to do that for you that actually just add to the pandemonium.  They’re almost as snobby as you, replying ‘I’m a bar back’ as if it took 17 years of training under a master to be able to fetch ice and kegs.  Fuck you too!  If trained chimps can help take care of quadriplegics, 90% of you should check your work ethic pronto!

After all the attitude and slow movement, you pricks want tips!  Tip??? Pardon me?  Tip these nuts!  You want me to give you my hard earned scratch for getting a beer out of a cooler and opening the bottle.  Thanks but no thanks, hot shot!  I’d rather have King Kong crush my balls with his thumb and forefinger.  I can’t imagine an easier job.  If you do that 100 times in an hour, an easy feat, you’re making more money than me.  By the way, I have two degrees, a superiority complex, and the skills to back it up.  But maybe I should trade all that in for a Bally’s membership, tight t-shirt, douche baggy gelled up hairstyle, and a job at my local watering hole.

Release Your Inner-Douchebag

April 25, 2009

release-your-inner-doucheI went to the movies today and discovered that being old comes with a lot of advantages after a woman answered 3 calls during the movie.  The top 3 advantages are discounts, medical marijuana, and, of course, the respect of 90% of people 20 years younger than you which are in abundance when you break 65. The bonus is the 10% are afraid of the backlash from onlookers to talk shit to seniors. The respect is what counts, and it’s the next best thing to freedom of speech.

You can talk on your phone in movies, demand special treatment, and say what’s on your mind no matter the situation without question.  So, it’s perfect for people that have never unleashed their inner douche bag, and a smooth transition for people who have been dicks all their lives.  So, if you’re a nice person and often wonder when you’ll have to stop taking shit, you’re welcome.  If you’re an asshole and are now smiling boldly at this new revelation, go to the nearest door and slam the knob into your genitalia immediately!

Catch Me at The Watercooler

April 24, 2009

urinal-yes-noHey Corey the Conversation King, zip your trap before I pee on your shoes.  At no point in the future do I need to recall hearing your voice while my junk was out.  Whatever you’re yappin about is of no consequence unless it involves fire or a ridiculous sum of money you deposited in my bank account.  And since my mother was a master of not raising morons, I know it’s none of the above.

Maybe you feel I can’t avoid the conversation if I’m already occupied.  You couldn’t be more wrong.  How about I avoid your ass by filing a sexual harassment suit faster than a temp with an associates degree?  Would that shut you up?  I don’t care what you shot at the golf course or how well your kids speak Mandarin.  So, do me and the people in the stalls a favor and save it for the water cooler.


April 24, 2009

commutesReally, corporate America?  Really?!?!  How did this happen?  You care more about a shiny ass building than my sanity.  Last I checked, shiny buildings don’t stop disgruntled employees from peeing in the coffee or shooting a numero dos in your lunchbox.  So, why do I have to punish my body and fragile mental state by spending 2 to 4 hours traveling less than 30 miles to do what I could do from my toilet?  Why the fuck do we have the e-mail, videoconferencing, cell phones, and wireless everything if you still insist on chaining me to a desk?

When you answer this question, profits will be through the roof, and you can buy all the big shiny boats, jewelry, and people you like?  The killer is you’d rather figure out how to cut costs on office parties when the biggest one is staring you in the face.  THE OFFICE SPACE!  Employees should only be in the office if absolutely necessary.  And there are only 3 scenarios to which that applies:

1. The day you’re hired
2. The day you’re fired
3. To hold meetings for morons that can’t get on the same page which will soon fall victim to #2.

This solution in and of itself is the solution to so many other problems.  Greenhouse gas reduction, normalization of real estate and commodities pricing, and domestic violence.  Need I say more? FUCK NO, I’M OUT!