Proximity Man

proximity-manHey delivery dude/chick/man/woman/kid, whatever.  Have you read your job description lately?  Probably not.  Well, some of you lazy bastards need a refresher.  I checked with the Department of Labor, and there actually is no job description for your profession…other than the first fucking half of your title!  And that should be all you need.  Lately, some of your box wielding brethren have been giving the rest of you a bad rep.  I’ve received at least 10 requests in the last month to come downstairs or meet someone halfway down the stairs.  Just for clarification, none of this took place at a high rise building in the middle of a blackout.  I’m 5 floors up, not 50, and I have to climb those fucking stairs to do anything outside my place from getting the mail to carrying 50 lb bags after a trip.

The sad part is that none of this shit should even matter.  You aren’t doing your job unless you make a DELIVERY.  At no point, should I be coming to you.  I’m not meeting you to buy a fucking bookcase I saw on craigslist.  I’m paying a fee and tipping you for a DELIVERY.  You don’t get all the fucking points unless you reach the goal, like soccer or hockey.  You get zero points for being in the vicinity.  That’s why you’re a delivery man, not a proximity man.

What type of half-ass attitude are these restaurants perpetuating by hiring the most out of shape farts in 5 states to deliver food.  I’m not saying you have to be Vin Diesel to carry Kung Pao Chicken or Cheese Sticks, but fuck man.  Don’t hire the laziest slob you can find to bring food to someone’s house if he’s just gonna sit his chunky ass in a subcompact downstairs and then call.  I might as well pick the shit up myself.  At least I won’t have to hear a whiny voiced jerk with one of the easiest jobs in the world, outside of when they get robbed.  That would definitely suck.

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