We Can See You

We Can See You

Hey, Roger Ebert!  Turn that fucking pen light off.  You’re ruining the climax of the movie for everyone.  Oh, you’re just a regular, paying customer like me?  And you’re not taking notes?  And that’s not a pen light, it’s your cell phone?  What the fuck, Douchey Smurf?  Did Gargamel infiltrate Smurf Headquarters?  If not, put that thing back in your damn pocket or step the fuck outside.  I can’t imagine where you had to grow up to think that shit’s not going to bother anyone.  Even worse, I can’t imagine how much attention your friends and family don’t give you for you to demand it from complete strangers by turning your fucking light saber of a phone on right before someone is about to get their shit rocked or every sensitive person in the theater is about to be brought to tears by the painstaking work of a master filmmaker.

And you aren’t in a cocoon of darkness, eagle eyes.  NOT ANYMORE!  Maybe you figured you would be the only one that could see it.  Did you feel like James Bond, covertly extracting your million dollar celly from the inside pocket of your $4000 tux?  Did Q give it to you with a stern warning to bring it back in one piece and a tutorial on how to instantly annoy the shit out of 200 people you don’t know?  If so, this would still be unacceptable behavior.  But you’re not a secret agent, and a picture of your buddy whacking it to pictures of your mom is not a national secret, no matter how fucked up it is.  So, check your twitter later, to which no one probably responds, and get a Netflix account.  We don’t like your kind at the movies.  Peek-a-boo, bitch!

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