Archive for July 2009

Surprise! It’s Someone Else’s Shit!

July 24, 2009

Have you ever gone to the bathroom with thoughts of a productive pooping session that gets shattered the moment you realize that you’ve been made an honorary janitor by the asshole that last used the can?  Of course, you have!  This is especially true when you’ve already dotted the ass end of your underwear with your poo quill.  Then, you’re forced to go through the laborious task of using single-ply toilet paper to sterilize a toilet like you’re the monkey cage cleaner at a zoo.  Then, you have people looking at you all crazy when you get back to your desk because you’ve been gone so long.  A productive poo down that includes everything from sending Facebook birthday wishes, updating twitter, texting the person you’re cheating with…whatever.  That all only takes about 20 minutes.  But if you’re not back for 45 because you had to grab a fucking Tyvek suit and rubber gloves, then you look like the perv that can’t wait to get home, or at least to the parking lot, to rub one out.  So, give me a break, you lazy chutney, chili, curry, carne esada, and chili cheeseburger eating fucks!  Clean the toilet so I don’t have to clean your doo doo residue with single-ply.  How do you not see that?!?!  What the fuck?  Seriously…what the fuck?


Just Saying…You Ruined Colors for Me!

July 13, 2009

You Ruined Colors for MeI’d like to extend a special ‘thank you’ to the gangs of the world.  Thank you for ruining colors for the rest of the world, you selfish sons of bitches.  I hope you choke on a cup full of watercolors.  Why did you have to pick the most popular colors in the world?  The bloods took red, and that didn’t really hurt me because it’s not at the top of my list.  The crips took blue, and that shit hurt me to the core.  Dammit!  The sky is blue, the ocean is blue, and I can’t wear it without catching 30 hot slugs.  Yellow is also near the bottom of my list, and the Latin Kings ruined any possibility of that replacing red or blue. 

You couldn’t pick a less common color.  It’s not like the cops and rival gangs don’t notice of group of shady dudes wearing the same color.  And this brings me to the next point.  Wouldn’t you want to keep a low profile if you were always doing illegal shit…just saying. Common sense goes a long way.  What about hot pink?  Show hot pink some love, and you might not get stopped every time you go to the store for blunts and bubble gum.  Was doo doo brown also unavailable?  At least that would symbolize your place on my respect food chain, straight bullshit.  You fuckers should just get face tattoos or quit at life and give me my blue back! 

It’s not just gangs either.  Let’s talk about the rainbow for a second.  The GLBT community gained an identity, and I had to shed a part of mine.  I can’t wear rainbow suspenders, belts, or put the stickers up in my room without people thinking I’m gay or a pre-op tranny.  The rainbow!  Think about it.  Don’t start commenting and calling me a homophobe and all that nonsense because this is as true as it gets.  You can’t be a straight man and be associated with rainbows anymore unless you’re a nature photographer.  The GLBT community, of course, gets way more love than gangs, but not for the reason you think.  I’m still sad that they chose the rainbow, but at least it represents a diverse group of people, not a group of low-life assholes with chips on their shoulders.

Time and Place IV…What About AIDS?

July 9, 2009

There’s a time and place for contests.  Now is neither the time, and the richest country in the world is not the place to hold a contest to see which group of nerds can get to space without government funding first!  The fact that two million dollars is at stake just makes my balls burn.  Who the hell cares if we can put more humans into space?  It’s been proven.  Try something new hippies! How about a race to cure AIDS.  How much would that prize be worth?  I’d be willing to personally donate at least one of my balls to the team that cures AIDS.  Is cancer also so far in the rearview mirror?  And what about the still incurable herpes, you low aiming sons of bitches?  The phrase ‘aim high’ is not a direct reference to space for all of your fucking aspirations.  Do you know how much professional athletes, actors, and politicians would pay to remove the stain of their past indiscretions?  Apparently, you absolutely do not, because you fucking nerds are trying to replicate technology that’s been in place for almost 50 years.  So, burn all of your Star Wars action figures until you do something useful with your advanced knowledge of whatever the fuck your 8 degrees entail.  Trust me, the world will be a much better place.

Aye Aye, Cap’n!

July 7, 2009

pirateI don’t know if you noticed, but we’re not on a frigate in the middle of fucking gun battle with Her Majesty’s Royal Navy.  We’re not dressed like pirates, and I’m not wearing a fucking eye patch!  So, it might be in your best interest to stop barking out orders like some sort of power-crazed babysitter on an ego trip.  Otherwise, you might have a mutiny and a concussion headed your way faster than a bullet train.  I mean, where the fuck do you get off?  It’s not like people won’t listen to you if you’re the boss, at least not all the time.  The position doesn’t come with an ‘I’m always right card’.  However, you pretty much just need to ask to get the wheels turning on anything.  Or if you prefer a paper trail, an e-mail with bullet points is always good. 

I mean, be civil or expect to be treated like a verbally abusive pirate ship captain…office style.  I’ll give you an idea of what you could expect since you may be a little slow.  How about a twist on Chinese Water Torture where we drip fresh brewed Starbucks Breakfast Blend on your junk.  We could even make you drink liquid crystals from your monitor till you poop in Technicolor.  Or we could strip you naked, cover our hands in thumbtacks, tie you up, and just slap the shit out of you for like an hour straight.  That’s some real pirate shit!  Yaaaaaar!

Old People & Technolgy

July 1, 2009


Only the strong survive.  So, put down the mouse and step the fuck back, or learn how to use that F1 key, punk bitch!  I don’t have all day to send something to you for review, get it back with your “updates” [very un-fucking-helpful changes], and then correct all the fuck ups you contributed to my formatting.  Nice work, tiny Tim, you have now, at the very least, doubled the time it takes to review a document.  How about you stick to writing on paper and leave typing to the pros.  I know we’ve had keyboards for a while now, but you’re worse than a caveman trying to make fire in a hurricane. 


I’d be more sympathetic if you weren’t such a cocky jerk about it, claiming you’ll take care of it.  I’d have better luck putting my laptop in a dishwasher because you’re more illiterate than Helen Keller before the Miracle Worker showed up.  I bet you wouldn’t be such a fucking know-it-all if we were talking about skydiving safety or how to properly masturbate with a flaming glove on.  I bet you’d listen to my instructions like I was telling the secret of how to get into Megan Fox’s panties without being handsome or rich.  If that’s not up your alley, or you’re into penis and can’t think of a substitute of the opposite sex, then you’re beyond hopeless.  And that leaves us where we began…you’re a douche that refuses to adapt.  Take your old ass to the shuffleboard court before I double-click you up and down the nearest  flight of stairs.