Archive for the ‘Just Saying’ category

Just Saying…Health Advice From Old People is No Good

August 13, 2009

Health Advice from Old People

Has someone that’s older than the sun, out of shape like a square pizza, or heavier than glass of Guinness tried to give you health advice?  I’m sorry, but that’s dumber than two blind guys navigating the ocean without GPS.  I mean, you’d never see Lou Ferrigno and somebody on The Biggest Loser doing the same workout. Specifically, dietary advice is a no no across 35 years or 85+ pound variances between the parties involved in the conversation, unless one of those individuals has a freak genetic disorder.

I guarantee you that cute, 95 pound girl at the Gap and the big guy working at Auntie Anne’s shouldn’t be sharing advice about sugar and cholesterol intake.  She can eat whatever the hell she wants, including a pound of animal fat and will burn that shit off in her sleep.  You on the other hand should start walking to work, eating and drinking spinach ONLY, as well as exercising in your sleep [figure it out]. This is very similar to a kid telling their grandparents they need a full 8 to 10 hours of sleep each night.  Shutup, Suzy…I guarantee you the last thing on your 89 year old grandfather’s mind is going to sleep.  So, save your 3rd grade health teacher’s advice for your dimwitted pals on the jungle gym.  Your grandparents are trying to stretch the time, not wait for the grim reaper with open arms and an apple pie.

Just Saying…You Ruined Colors for Me!

July 13, 2009

You Ruined Colors for MeI’d like to extend a special ‘thank you’ to the gangs of the world.  Thank you for ruining colors for the rest of the world, you selfish sons of bitches.  I hope you choke on a cup full of watercolors.  Why did you have to pick the most popular colors in the world?  The bloods took red, and that didn’t really hurt me because it’s not at the top of my list.  The crips took blue, and that shit hurt me to the core.  Dammit!  The sky is blue, the ocean is blue, and I can’t wear it without catching 30 hot slugs.  Yellow is also near the bottom of my list, and the Latin Kings ruined any possibility of that replacing red or blue. 

You couldn’t pick a less common color.  It’s not like the cops and rival gangs don’t notice of group of shady dudes wearing the same color.  And this brings me to the next point.  Wouldn’t you want to keep a low profile if you were always doing illegal shit…just saying. Common sense goes a long way.  What about hot pink?  Show hot pink some love, and you might not get stopped every time you go to the store for blunts and bubble gum.  Was doo doo brown also unavailable?  At least that would symbolize your place on my respect food chain, straight bullshit.  You fuckers should just get face tattoos or quit at life and give me my blue back! 

It’s not just gangs either.  Let’s talk about the rainbow for a second.  The GLBT community gained an identity, and I had to shed a part of mine.  I can’t wear rainbow suspenders, belts, or put the stickers up in my room without people thinking I’m gay or a pre-op tranny.  The rainbow!  Think about it.  Don’t start commenting and calling me a homophobe and all that nonsense because this is as true as it gets.  You can’t be a straight man and be associated with rainbows anymore unless you’re a nature photographer.  The GLBT community, of course, gets way more love than gangs, but not for the reason you think.  I’m still sad that they chose the rainbow, but at least it represents a diverse group of people, not a group of low-life assholes with chips on their shoulders.

Just Saying…Edible Panties, Really?

June 16, 2009

First of all, I’ve got nothing against people getting freaky.  Do what you gotta do to keep the love alive! However, there are a few things that shoulnd’t be in the bedroom/car/kitchen/bathroom/office/living room/truck bed with you when it’s time to do the do.  Edible panties are at the top of my list!

Edible Panties

That’s not even freaky.  Panties that have the same consistency and taste of fruit roll-up are just a mean fucking concept.  It’s like being given a Kia as a loner when you take your Lambo to the dealer to be serviced.  Nobody, regardless of how much they enjoy pink tacos, wants to go from a sweet, sugary, strawberry snack straight to vagina.  What the fuck?  I wouldn’t ask to have my balls put in a bear trap right after getting head.  Similarly, I would not ask to be robbed after hitting the jackpot at a casino.  I’m just saying.

Just Saying…Who Cares?

June 5, 2009

Just Saying - Who CaresCNN Does It, Again

Seriously, CNN?  This is more disappointing than Who gives a damn about the president’s reading habits as long as the country remains less fucked than it would have been if coke head McGee was still in the office?  Maybe the fact that Bush read so many books a year and took more vacation than any other president has a lot to do with why he was such a bad decision maker.  I guess if you don’t have anything to report, you just start from the bottom of the list of shit people care about. Just saying…