Posted tagged ‘bathroom’

Pick That Shit Up!

June 5, 2009

Hey Mr. Man with the Wall Street Journal or New York Times in the bathroom.  What the fuck is goin’ on, buddy? You too good for the internet? Of course, the answer is ‘no’. Own a PDA and just don’t know how to work it?  If so, go get a prepaid cell and give that shit to your kid. He may stop calling you a dick behind your back.  Scared your boss will see you checking stock quotes or keeping up with current affairs?  Threaten him with a sexual harassment lawsuit in a one-on-one meeting.

I know! You still have a fantasy about being an animal, an animal who’s owner is so cheap they use newspaper to line the cage!  Well, grow the fuck up. I don’t want to feel like I’m in a hamster cage every time I take a shit at work.  And how come you never, ever, ever take the fucking paper with you? No one wants to read anything covered in your ball skin with the stench of digested Indian food all over it that’s been on a semi-public bathroom floor.  I’d rather go down on Rosie O’Donnell.  It’s bad enough you didn’t flush the damn toilet to make your “cage” look more realistic. Fuck it. I’m buying Depends from now on.  You people make me sick!

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Catch Me at The Watercooler

April 24, 2009

urinal-yes-noHey Corey the Conversation King, zip your trap before I pee on your shoes.  At no point in the future do I need to recall hearing your voice while my junk was out.  Whatever you’re yappin about is of no consequence unless it involves fire or a ridiculous sum of money you deposited in my bank account.  And since my mother was a master of not raising morons, I know it’s none of the above.

Maybe you feel I can’t avoid the conversation if I’m already occupied.  You couldn’t be more wrong.  How about I avoid your ass by filing a sexual harassment suit faster than a temp with an associates degree?  Would that shut you up?  I don’t care what you shot at the golf course or how well your kids speak Mandarin.  So, do me and the people in the stalls a favor and save it for the water cooler.