Posted tagged ‘coworkers’

You’re the Worst Type of Asshole

August 29, 2009

Piss on the toilet seat…not an uncommon occurrence as far as mens rooms go. But when you take your sorry, limp-dicked ass to a stall when there are urinals to choose from, don’t be a dick and lift the seat like your whore of a mother [should have] taught you! On top of that, you don’t have the forethought to just piss on top of the seat if you couldn’t hold it. Nor did you have the common fucking courtesy to wipe it the hell off. Instead you pissed under and around the seat, on the floor, and all over the top and side of the damn bowl…fucking everywhere except the fucking industrial sized mixing bowl filled with water under your minuscule baby dick.

Did your BlackBerry start vibrating and throw off your concentration? Did you forget to unzip your pants? Even if that was the case, it’s still a shitty excuse in a pissy situation. Maybe I’m in a rush to send pictures of my shit to a feces fetish forum or take a nap on the shitter or check my favorite gossip blogs when I go to the porcelain throne. What I’m not in a fucking rush to do is play a rousing game of ‘clean your trifling ass coworker’s piss off of the entire toilet in the King stall [handicapped stalls because they’re huge]’. How about you save me some me the blood pressure points and yourself the ass whoopin you got comin if I ever find out who you are [no homo]!

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Surprise! It’s Someone Else’s Shit!

July 24, 2009

Have you ever gone to the bathroom with thoughts of a productive pooping session that gets shattered the moment you realize that you’ve been made an honorary janitor by the asshole that last used the can?  Of course, you have!  This is especially true when you’ve already dotted the ass end of your underwear with your poo quill.  Then, you’re forced to go through the laborious task of using single-ply toilet paper to sterilize a toilet like you’re the monkey cage cleaner at a zoo.  Then, you have people looking at you all crazy when you get back to your desk because you’ve been gone so long.  A productive poo down that includes everything from sending Facebook birthday wishes, updating twitter, texting the person you’re cheating with…whatever.  That all only takes about 20 minutes.  But if you’re not back for 45 because you had to grab a fucking Tyvek suit and rubber gloves, then you look like the perv that can’t wait to get home, or at least to the parking lot, to rub one out.  So, give me a break, you lazy chutney, chili, curry, carne esada, and chili cheeseburger eating fucks!  Clean the toilet so I don’t have to clean your doo doo residue with single-ply.  How do you not see that?!?!  What the fuck?  Seriously…what the fuck?

Weekday Forced Networking

June 10, 2009

Weekend Forced NetworkingWhat do you get when you cross a person forced to work 60 hour weeks and bosses that have decided they don’t want to go home tonight?  This is not really an open-ended question, given the title and all.  However, if you guessed ‘a free trip to a strip club’, you’re 8% right.  The other 92% of that answer is ‘a 2 to 3 hour shit show where you’re served high calorie appetizers and beer (mixed drinks if you’re lucky).’  Of course, this would be awesome on a weekday if you didn’t have to be to work by 8 AM and you weren’t surrounded by the same people you’ve been around for the last 10 hours.  Another acceptable answer might be ‘a drunken tryst that ends in a nasty divorce and issues with authority at future jobs’.

Basically, your bosses get more respect, to their faces, in the workplace than they do at home.  Think about it.  Would you be the happiest person in the world if you worked 70+ hours a week to afford your family the best of the best only to have your kids tell you they hate you while your spouse schedules all your free time with stuff you don’t want to do?  Easy answer, “FUCK NO!”  Who would?  Not me!  Dare I say that I’d be as near to suicidal as possible?  Dare I also say that instances like this are the roots of chronic alcoholism?

The weeknight social event is where your boss gets their chance to shine.  You should keep in mind that there is a chance your boss will go a little overboard with the drinking and become a douche and a half.  I’ve found that the best way to deal with habitual line crossers is to say nothing at the time.  Instead, you should wait till you’re with your coworkers to sow the seeds of disloyalty.  Eventually, they’ll sense their work family is becoming eerily similar to their real family and get their shit together.  If not, quit for a new job after you finally get that raise.  As an alternative to that, you could grow a pair, threaten your boss with a sexual harassment suit and quit after they give you a raise as compensation for being such a bag.