Posted tagged ‘favors’

Borrower’s Remorse

August 9, 2009

Did you bring your puppy to work?  No?  You don’t even have a puppy?  Then what the fuck, sir, is the deal with this?  I thought I let you borrow a pen earlier.  What you just handed me looks like a used coffee stirrer.  But that can’t be the case because there’s ink in it, and it has what use to be a cap that wasn’t covered in dry spit and tooth marks.  So, I guess my next question should be, “What the fuck, man?!?!”  Is this how you repay people when they do you favors, asshole?  If I let you borrow my car, would you bring it back with dents that you kicked into it yourself and a smashed windshield?  Or how about I let you stay at my place if you lose your job, and you punch holes in my walls and shit on my rugs?  Maybe the next time you ask me to borrow something, I’ll just give you the finger and a quick toodle-loo.

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Let Me Know…

May 10, 2009

Let Me Know..To all my friends that would just require a call if I need anything: Don’t fucking lie to me.  If I ask you to crash on your couch for a few weeks, how fast will you be kicking yourself?  I’ve got a stopwatch and a PhD in body language.  Trust me, I’ll know.  I’d much rather hear you say, ‘that sucks’ or ‘hang in there, buddy’ than offer up your services only to hate yourself later for doing it.

And what does anything include?  It damn sure doesn’t include what is implied…EVERYTHING!  Because if it did, you could just pay for my problems up front.  So, be clear or shut the hell up, and give me some room to think.  I’ll let you know straight away if I can or even want to help you.  Need some money…can’t help you.  Wanna borrow my car…find a new friend.  Need help moving…whenever you’re moving, I’ll be out of town.  Want a hand finishing some booze and snacks at your place…what time do you need me to be over.

I’m not such a bad friend that I won’t help out in a jam, but I am selective about the jams I’m willing to invest in for a variety of reasons.  People always need more money than they say; they’re usually too proud to ask for the full amount up front.  So, if I give it up the first time easily, they’ll become comfortable treating you like the US government when their business is all fucked up.  When it comes to borrowing cars, I just don’t trust any-fucking-body.  Keep it moving to the nearest Enterprise or Avis, buddy; can’t fuckin help ya.  Want me to help you move?  I need to know how much preparation has been completed firsthand as well as how many other people are guaranteed to be on hand for this job.  Otherwise, find two men and a truck.  Booze and snacks are the only safe bet that require no background info.