Posted tagged ‘lazy’

You’re the Worst Type of Asshole

August 29, 2009

Piss on the toilet seat…not an uncommon occurrence as far as mens rooms go. But when you take your sorry, limp-dicked ass to a stall when there are urinals to choose from, don’t be a dick and lift the seat like your whore of a mother [should have] taught you! On top of that, you don’t have the forethought to just piss on top of the seat if you couldn’t hold it. Nor did you have the common fucking courtesy to wipe it the hell off. Instead you pissed under and around the seat, on the floor, and all over the top and side of the damn bowl…fucking everywhere except the fucking industrial sized mixing bowl filled with water under your minuscule baby dick.

Did your BlackBerry start vibrating and throw off your concentration? Did you forget to unzip your pants? Even if that was the case, it’s still a shitty excuse in a pissy situation. Maybe I’m in a rush to send pictures of my shit to a feces fetish forum or take a nap on the shitter or check my favorite gossip blogs when I go to the porcelain throne. What I’m not in a fucking rush to do is play a rousing game of ‘clean your trifling ass coworker’s piss off of the entire toilet in the King stall [handicapped stalls because they’re huge]’. How about you save me some me the blood pressure points and yourself the ass whoopin you got comin if I ever find out who you are [no homo]!

Proximity Man

April 17, 2009

proximity-manHey delivery dude/chick/man/woman/kid, whatever.  Have you read your job description lately?  Probably not.  Well, some of you lazy bastards need a refresher.  I checked with the Department of Labor, and there actually is no job description for your profession…other than the first fucking half of your title!  And that should be all you need.  Lately, some of your box wielding brethren have been giving the rest of you a bad rep.  I’ve received at least 10 requests in the last month to come downstairs or meet someone halfway down the stairs.  Just for clarification, none of this took place at a high rise building in the middle of a blackout.  I’m 5 floors up, not 50, and I have to climb those fucking stairs to do anything outside my place from getting the mail to carrying 50 lb bags after a trip.

The sad part is that none of this shit should even matter.  You aren’t doing your job unless you make a DELIVERY.  At no point, should I be coming to you.  I’m not meeting you to buy a fucking bookcase I saw on craigslist.  I’m paying a fee and tipping you for a DELIVERY.  You don’t get all the fucking points unless you reach the goal, like soccer or hockey.  You get zero points for being in the vicinity.  That’s why you’re a delivery man, not a proximity man.

What type of half-ass attitude are these restaurants perpetuating by hiring the most out of shape farts in 5 states to deliver food.  I’m not saying you have to be Vin Diesel to carry Kung Pao Chicken or Cheese Sticks, but fuck man.  Don’t hire the laziest slob you can find to bring food to someone’s house if he’s just gonna sit his chunky ass in a subcompact downstairs and then call.  I might as well pick the shit up myself.  At least I won’t have to hear a whiny voiced jerk with one of the easiest jobs in the world, outside of when they get robbed.  That would definitely suck.