Posted tagged ‘pee’

You’re the Worst Type of Asshole

August 29, 2009

Piss on the toilet seat…not an uncommon occurrence as far as mens rooms go. But when you take your sorry, limp-dicked ass to a stall when there are urinals to choose from, don’t be a dick and lift the seat like your whore of a mother [should have] taught you! On top of that, you don’t have the forethought to just piss on top of the seat if you couldn’t hold it. Nor did you have the common fucking courtesy to wipe it the hell off. Instead you pissed under and around the seat, on the floor, and all over the top and side of the damn bowl…fucking everywhere except the fucking industrial sized mixing bowl filled with water under your minuscule baby dick.

Did your BlackBerry start vibrating and throw off your concentration? Did you forget to unzip your pants? Even if that was the case, it’s still a shitty excuse in a pissy situation. Maybe I’m in a rush to send pictures of my shit to a feces fetish forum or take a nap on the shitter or check my favorite gossip blogs when I go to the porcelain throne. What I’m not in a fucking rush to do is play a rousing game of ‘clean your trifling ass coworker’s piss off of the entire toilet in the King stall [handicapped stalls because they’re huge]’. How about you save me some me the blood pressure points and yourself the ass whoopin you got comin if I ever find out who you are [no homo]!

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Where’s the Common Courtesy

May 21, 2009

When was the last time your buddy asked you to describe your underwear? Unless you’re a moron and think I’m referring to a cuddle buddy, friend with benefits, or booty call, the answer should easily be, “NEVER!!!” If the answer was anything other than never, it should have been answered with a firm slap to the cheek of your choice. You know why your buddy’s never ask you that question? It’s because they don’t fucking care and never will or should! So, I implore you. Bathroom EtiquetteWhy is it every time I go into the bathroom with my guard down some jackass in $200 slacks is pissing with his belt around his ankles?

Is that really necessary? Apparently not, because your johnson isn’t coiled around one of your legs. So, I ask again, what is the reason for dropping your pants all the way to the floor while standing up to pee? Was it an accident? Did you eat chips at lunch, and your pants just slipped between your fingers? Are you airing out a wretched fart that got caught in the fabric of your pants? All of these reasons would be acceptable if you walked your lazy ass the extra three steps to a stall and promptly shut the door. Next time a toe kick to the asshole might immediately follow my outrage. Fuckin ri-donk-ulous!

Catch Me at The Watercooler

April 24, 2009

urinal-yes-noHey Corey the Conversation King, zip your trap before I pee on your shoes.  At no point in the future do I need to recall hearing your voice while my junk was out.  Whatever you’re yappin about is of no consequence unless it involves fire or a ridiculous sum of money you deposited in my bank account.  And since my mother was a master of not raising morons, I know it’s none of the above.

Maybe you feel I can’t avoid the conversation if I’m already occupied.  You couldn’t be more wrong.  How about I avoid your ass by filing a sexual harassment suit faster than a temp with an associates degree?  Would that shut you up?  I don’t care what you shot at the golf course or how well your kids speak Mandarin.  So, do me and the people in the stalls a favor and save it for the water cooler.

ATTENTION EMPLOYEES

April 15, 2009

ATTENTION!  This message is addressed to all men over the age of 6 years old that no longer require diapers.  When using urinals in bathrooms labeled ‘MEN’, it is totally un-ac-fucking-ceptable for you to pee from more than 1 to 1.5 inches away from the furthest protruding wall of a urinal.  Get this through your thick as bulldog shit skull as soon as possible, or I’m going to start tazing all of you bastards!

I can’t believe that while the rest of us are trying to live in a civilized society, you pricks are searching for new ways to flash your coworkers which won’t result in a sexual harassment suit and a pink slip, both of which should also be served with a swift kick to the taint (perineum for all the pre-meds) from one of the Gramatica brothers.  You’d have to be tripping on acid to think your coworkers would approve of this behavior from anyone other than one of their kids.  You’d also have to be on higher than Snoop Dogg on a Tuesday to hold solo sword fighting tournament in a bathroom with no urinal walls; because you’re high or Jaba the Hut’s personal douche bag (gross).