Posted tagged ‘WTF’

Borrower’s Remorse

August 9, 2009

Did you bring your puppy to work?  No?  You don’t even have a puppy?  Then what the fuck, sir, is the deal with this?  I thought I let you borrow a pen earlier.  What you just handed me looks like a used coffee stirrer.  But that can’t be the case because there’s ink in it, and it has what use to be a cap that wasn’t covered in dry spit and tooth marks.  So, I guess my next question should be, “What the fuck, man?!?!”  Is this how you repay people when they do you favors, asshole?  If I let you borrow my car, would you bring it back with dents that you kicked into it yourself and a smashed windshield?  Or how about I let you stay at my place if you lose your job, and you punch holes in my walls and shit on my rugs?  Maybe the next time you ask me to borrow something, I’ll just give you the finger and a quick toodle-loo.

Time and Place IV…What About AIDS?

July 9, 2009

There’s a time and place for contests.  Now is neither the time, and the richest country in the world is not the place to hold a contest to see which group of nerds can get to space without government funding first!  The fact that two million dollars is at stake just makes my balls burn.  Who the hell cares if we can put more humans into space?  It’s been proven.  Try something new hippies! How about a race to cure AIDS.  How much would that prize be worth?  I’d be willing to personally donate at least one of my balls to the team that cures AIDS.  Is cancer also so far in the rearview mirror?  And what about the still incurable herpes, you low aiming sons of bitches?  The phrase ‘aim high’ is not a direct reference to space for all of your fucking aspirations.  Do you know how much professional athletes, actors, and politicians would pay to remove the stain of their past indiscretions?  Apparently, you absolutely do not, because you fucking nerds are trying to replicate technology that’s been in place for almost 50 years.  So, burn all of your Star Wars action figures until you do something useful with your advanced knowledge of whatever the fuck your 8 degrees entail.  Trust me, the world will be a much better place.

Take a Note

May 28, 2009

Take a noteBitch!  Of course, I could take a note.  I have two degrees, and the skills of a fucking champion!  You know what that means?  You, most likely, have a similar, though inferior, skill set.  This means you could take a note, at the very damn least.  Ever hear of a tape recorder, chump?  How about that BlackBerry on your big ass hips?  Yet, you ask me to take a 4-word note for you.  If your middle-aged ass can’t remember to send one e-mail, quit the game today, and don’t even think about pushing ‘restart’, punk bitch!  Just because you make more money than me, doesn’t mean I’m here to take fucking notes because your wrist is sore from beating it to UFC.  So, stuff your sorrys in a sack and go fuck yourself.  When you get back, take your own note.  Then, promptly choke on it!  Or I could write that shit on your shirt with a Sharpie.  MAKE A CHOICE!